Lunch Time Etiquette

The following manners apply to anyplace where large groups of people gather to consume food that they packed themselves: be it cafeteria, break room, or public park.

Upon entering a room in which someone is eating an orange, one should never exclaim, “I smell Oranges!” This just serves to show everyone how unobservant and rude you are. This will also result in the Orange eater not offering you any. Instead you should casually glance around until you locate the orange eater and then casually approach them. Begin the conversation thusly, “Why I see that you have chosen to eat an orange today. I can tell that you care about your health very much because oranges are high in vitamin C and are a tasty way to ward off many nasty diseases such as scurvy.” Then go on to explain that you have recently returned from a long sea voyage and that you fear you yourself might be suffering the early stages of Scurvy and that you would be forever grateful if they might share part of their life-preserving fruit.

Always pack a book in your lunch bag. First of all, it is brain food and will make your diet more complete. Secondly, it will help to comfort you after you realize that no one in the lunch room is eager for you to sit with them. If however, you actually want to read your book while you eat do not sit at a table with women. They will talk incessantly though not to you.

If you want to eat without having hate-filled stares shot at you do not sit at the Clique table. The Clique table is the table closest to the doors so that the Clique can judge everyone who comes in to eat. The Clique will be almost entirely women and they will be talking loudly and about things of little importance. If you remembered your book sit as far away as possible. If you forgot it sit one table over and eavesdrop.

The rules for Popcorn are different from that of Oranges. Forget it no one shares Popcorn. You can exclaim that you smell popcorn all you like because the buttery goodness is all mine.

Take your change from the vending machine because no one is going to announce that they found an extra quarter. Like wise don’t feel guilty about pocketing an extra quarter because chances are that the machine is the one that messed up and spit out that extra money in order to make up for all of the times it ate your change. Yea I can live with that story.

You Might Be Home Schooled If . . .

They say that imitation is the sincerest from of flattery.  I hope you feel very flattered Mr. Foxworthy.

You might have been home schooled if . . .

  • You went into Shock the day you found out that your mother was not the great repository of all human knowledge.
  • You took so many “field trips” to Wal-mart that people thought you worked there.
  • You had to total the cost of all of the groceries in the cart plus tax (showing your work) before you could get M&M’s at the checkout counter.
  • You have more reverence for an Author’s birthday than a Catholic has for a Saint’s day.
  • Other people scream and throw holy water on you when you tell them that your School didn’t have sports.
  • You discovered the cure for Red neck in second grade using everyday kitchen staples.
  • People in town shun you when they learn that you don’t worship the local football team.
  • When someone asks you if you know of AC/DC you reply “Why yes of course these are the two forms of electricity. Alternating current and Direct current. While Alternating current is the best for sending through wires into your outlets Direct current is actually used to run most household appliances.” The person stares at you and then walks away as if you had deeply offended their religion.
  • Upon learning about pep rallies you laugh and exclaim, “Really! People do that? That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
  • When someone asks you your favorite sport you reply, “Speed reading.”

And lastly:

  • If you are outside on a warm September day and there are no other kids around then you might be Home Schooled.

The Principle of First Trust

They say that Trust is earned but this is a blatant lie. Trust is automatically given and expected. People expect me to trust them on our first meeting. People want trust without ever meeting them.

For example if you are selling your house you have to trust the realtor and the people viewing your house not to damage or steal any of your possessions.  If you do business over the phone you have to trust that person to keep up their end of things. When I order books online I have to trust Amazon to ship the items on time. 

Broken down on the side of the road don’t we trust that the person pulling over is a good Samaritan and not a serial killer?

On your first visit to a fantasy world you have to trust the first person you meet there. It is not possible to tell a caring Queen from a White Witch based only on first impressions.

If first trust is broken then I guess one could earn second trust. But even a chance to earn back trust is still a gift of trust from the person wronged to begin with.

Unfortunately, trust can’t be earned, it just isn’t practical. if we had to give every person we will ever meet a trust test before interacting with them all of our time would be wasted filling in dots with a number 2 pencil.

But even though you can’t earn my trust I still refuse to hand it out lightly.  So forgive me if I still lock my doors at night. Just because trust can’t be earned dosn’t mean everyone can be trusted.

Caucasia?

 Sorry I’ve been dropping the ball lately on my blog posts I will try to get two up this week. Here’s #1 enjoy.  🙂

Where in the world is Caucasia and who are these Caucasians I keep hearing about?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines Caucasia as a region in South East Europe between the Black and Caspian Seas, divided by the Caucasus Mountains into Ciscaucasia to the North and Transcaucasia to the South. A Caucasian is therefore an inhabitant of this area.

I keep seeing this nationality on applications and forms I have no idea who they are or even what their flag looks like.

The only thing I know for sure about them is that I am not one of them. I might be white but that is really just another way to say that you’re not Black or Hispanic. Actually that’s another thing about applications that I have noticed. There are like five different ways to classify Hispanics.

If there is an option to select “other” I will check that before anything else. Even if you don’t elaborate I think that “Other” is the most accurate term for an American to use anyway. We don’t really belong to those other countries, Cultures, and labels anymore (especially when you’re born here.) America was supposed to be the great melting pot where everyone was equal. We shouldn’t need racial classifications anymore because everyone is just American.

What do I write under Other? If there is room I write: I am an American of Anglo Germanic decent.
If there is very little room I write: American.

If there is no “Other” I check White. I am not offended by the word White. I am offended that these forms want me to claim that I’m from Caucasia when I am not. It’s kind of like this woman I met once, she said not to call her African-American because her family came from Ireland.

Needless to say that lacking an Other or White I will leave that section blank before I will claim myself as Caucasian.

Now don’t put words in my mouth here. By all means embrace your heritage and I am all for ancestral pride. Whether you’re Irish-American or African-American or even Vulcan, genealogy can be a fun and worthwhile endeavor.  Who knows maybe everyone has a little Caucasian in their blood.  

But until I know for sure I refuse to be counted among them.

 

P.S. There is a clue to my next post in here. Leave a comment and see if you can guess the topic before I post, hopefully, on Wednesday.

Christ is Christmas

You may have seen the various wall postings making their way around Facebook that tell you to keep Christ in Christmas.

The sad truth is that Christ never left Christmas. We did.

We leave by forgetting that Christmas is the birth of Jesus. By rushing and worrying and spending and wanting. When Christmas becomes “All I want for Christmas” instead of  “Good Christian men rejoice” then that is when we leave Christmas and actually kind of revert back to Black Friday (Hint: Not the same as Good Friday).

Christ-mas. See he’s still there. It is actually impossible for there to be a nonreligious holiday because holiday means Holy day.

What about Secular Christmas carols? Nope I’m sorry it’s still music that glorifies a Christian Holy day.

surprisingly it isn’t even Santa’s fault. We can’t even rightly blame the retail industry.

The real reason that so many people are forgetting what Christmas is, is because of this war that is being waged in the name of inclusion and tolerance. But these people, who claim to be all about not offending anyone, are too greedy to give up their yearly pile of gifts, so they tell themselves that the gifts are all that matter. Then they tell other people that it doesn’t matter what ancient beliefs started the holiday just give gifts anyway.

But the truth is that no matter what they believe every time some one says “Merry Christmas” they are acknowledging and condoning those ancient beliefs and the centuries of Faith that created the Holy day called Christmas.

So, Good Christian men rejoice, Joy to the world, “God bless us everyone,” and Merry Christmas.

Cathrine 🙂

 Here is some recommended movies to enjoy this Christmas:

How the Grinch Stole Christmas — Cartoon or live action the message in this story is so important. “It came, It came, It came just the same.”

A Christmas Carol — whichever version you choose remember that it isn’t actually about celebrating Christmas but about living a better life all year-long.

A Charlie Brown Christmas — yea Linus knows what he’s talking about.

P.s. if this offended you then good.  Again I say Merry Christmas!

Santa Clause is Coming from Mars

Merry Christmas everyone.  Here is a special holiday blog post for your enjoyment.

The entire surface of or planet has been mapped. This includes the North Pole. No one has ever found Santa Clause or his workshop. Elves don’t exist. Reindeer don’t fly and one person couldn’t visit every child in the world in one night.

 All Valid arguments against the existence of Santa and all of them wrong.

 Because everyone keeps forgetting to take into account the very obvious fact that Santa lives on Mars.

 Fact 1) Earth reindeer can’t fly  but Martian reindeer can.  The Mars deer is very much like earth reindeer only much smaller and they have rust red hair in order to blend in with the planet’s surface. They fly based on the principle of magnetic repulsion and are propelled by special webbing between their legs for catching the wind.

 Once when a Mars deer escaped after a Christmas eve flight it mated with an earth Reindeer and the resulting hybrid had a bioluminescent mucus that caused it’s nose to glow in the dark.

 Fact 2) Elves don’t live on Earth. They live on Mars. Just like we call ourselves Humans not Earthlings the Martian race of intelligent beings refer to themselves as Elves. The Elves of Mars stand about four feet tall and have what we might call a green complexion.

 Fact 3) We have completely explored our North pole. However, no human has ever set foot on the Martian North Pole. Santa’s base is located mostly underground due to the harsh environment on Mars. This explains why satellites have never been able to photograph it.

 Fact 4) Santa has been around a lot longer than anyone human could live. This is because Santa and his wife are actually from a race of long-lived humanoid aliens that came to our solar system in the early 1800’s.

 Fact 5) Santa couldn’t make it to every child in one night. At least not without his warp drive. The Mars deer make a great transport between houses in towns and cities but Santa needs something a little faster for going across oceans deserts and other large stretches of land. That is why Mrs. Clause waits for him at set rendezvous points with the O’ Christmas Tree. This high-speed craft not only provides fast transport but also stores the majority of the gifts. You didn’t really think that all those gifts would fit in the sleigh did you?

 Fact 6) No you can not use this as an idea for a story. I am already working on it.

 Fact 7) No Chimney? No problem. Santa uses a portable matter transporter to beam in and out of houses. Going down the chimney is just silly when you have a very high-tech, holly berry red, all-weather environment suit on.

 So if Santa is an Alien and the Elves are Martians then why do they waste every Christmas eve delivering gifts to Earth Children?

 Because a long time ago the creator of the universe decreed that he would visit our lowly planet. He took our form and became one of us so that he could die for us.

 Santa and his wife heard this and decided that in honor of the creator becoming a humble Earth child they would do something to bring happiness to the race that he held so dear. The Elves our nearest neighbors are happy to help honor the God child by assisting Santa.

Just remember when you open he presents on Christmas morning that in Santa’s eyes no gift that he can give will ever compare to the gift that our planet has already been given.

Joy to the World and Merry Christmas.

Cathrine

P.S. If you got coal in your stocking  a representative from NASA will be knocking on your door soon to confiscate it. Martian Coal  😉

Weather Tis Vane to Comment

I was so excited when I first started getting comments on my blog but for some reason they were all in the spam pile. I am thinking, “What are all of these wonderful people who actually like my writing doing in the spam folder?” So I approved the comments and basked in the glow of positive feed back.

 Then I looked closely at where the comments came from. Most of them seemed to be just regular blogs like mine. But they all had the word Weathervane in the title.

 So I said ohhh kaaay and forgot it. Then recently I got some twelve or so comments in my spam folder at one time. They appeared to be from different people but when I clicked on them they all linked back to the same website. A website that sells weather vanes.

 So I ask: Why is it that the only people who read my blog are Weathervane enthusiasts?

 Am I prejudice against Weather Vanes?

 No.  Weather Vanes are both decorative and functional. But you can’t blame me for seeing some kind of conspiracy. Can you?

 Sorry if I offended anyone who left a genuine comment and honestly enjoyed my random musings.

 This just happens to be what I’m musing on right now, though something tells me that this anything but random.  I think that there might be a method behind the spam filter’s madness.

 So please by all means leave a comment. Feel free to praise my opinions or even disagree if you feel you must.

 For right now I am going to leave the settings alone so that I can continue to either approve or disapprove comments.

 I also realize that I am not very good at replying to comments. Sometimes though it is really hard to know what to say.

 So here are a few comment guidelines that will get you approved and maybe even get a reply:

 1) Say something about the subject of the post that you are commenting on. Do you agree/disagree? Did you think that it was clever/lame/too clever by half? What is your opinion?

 2) Do not ask me tech questions. I am not a blogging guru. I am not good with the technical stuff; I just type and post that’s it. I have no Idea what an RSS feed is.

 3) Try to avoid having anything to do with weather vanes. I am on to you. (If you do have the misfortune of having a weathervane related site please pay close attention to point one. That should get you accepted.

 4) Don’t try selling anything. I might let through a recommendation but never a blatant ad.

 And lastly

 If you really want me to reply to your comment you need to engage my interest. Have I met you before? Did you hear about me through Cross and Cosmos? Do you have an opinion on the post topic?  Does the post remind you of a book you read once? A TV show? Movie? I am more likely to reply to a reader who is engaged in the subject than one who just says, “I never thought about it that way before.” My opinion on the topic is already in the post so I guess I figure, “what else can I say?”

 I hope that helps. Again sorry if I sounded mean that really wasn’t my intention. But maybe these few suggestions will help you decide whether ‘t would be vain to comment or not.

Black (Friday) is the New Holiday

Thanksgiving, the Holiday where we say “Thank you God for everything that I have.” Today is the day after that one. Black Friday, the day where we say “What about all of the things I don’t have?”

 The News has been going on for weeks about Black Friday, since Nov 1st to be precise, and the great sales and crowds and economic upturn that is expected to accompany it. Where did Thanksgiving go? A visitor to our country is likely to think that we celebrate Black Friday as a national Holiday. Last night on the CBS evening news the anchor actually called it Black Friday Eve.

   Thanksgiving is overlooked enough as it is; with it being hidden between Halloween and Christmas. We really shouldn’t obscure the Holiday completely by placing a fake Holiday immediately after it. A Holiday where instead of being thankful and happy we scramble around and fight and go into debt just so that we can worship the false gods of Consumerism and Greed.

Why did so many people waste the true Holiday Camped out in front of Best Buy instead of eating turkey with Family and Friends?

I am writing this too late to stop anyone from going to those early sales but that is because I did a little thing I like to call sleeping in.

 Black Friday isn’t good. Good Friday though is a different story.

 

 

Gremlins: The Techno Woe Begetters

The discerning reader might have noticed a particularly Anti-technology slant to last weeks blog post as well as a related post from some weeks before.

 Well, like I said in the post titled “Save the Books” it’s not really that I don’t like technology; technology just doesn’t like me. Or should I say that the Gremlins don’t like me.

 According to The Element Encyclopedia of Magical Creatures Gremlins are a species of Boggart that was first classified during World War I  when Radio operators and Airplane mechanics noticed unexplained malfunctions.

 The Word Gremlin is derived from the Old English word gremian which means to Vex. (They sure like to Vex me.)

 These little buggers deserted their European homeland and came to America with our returning troops. Ever since they have been infiltrating and breaking down our electronic devices.

 It is no coincidence that the car known as a Gremlin kept breaking down. For some reason the sneaky fairies were attracted to them like flies to honey. Thus the lemon earned the name Gremlin.

 These device destroying creatures are not to be confused with the mutated Mugwi featured in the movie Gremlins that is an entirely different animal.

 No the Techno munching  menace that we face is all to real.

When something on your computer messes up, listen carefully and you can hear them laughing at you through your computers speakers.

 If you are traveling and you find that all of your batteries are dead this is because a Gremlin has stowed away in your luggage and has been sucking the juice from your electronics in order to survive. Keep them away from your car battery by closing all of the air vents in the car and turning off the car’s automatic lights. Also buy Maps instead of relying on GPS. If one of them gets into a GPS you will never reach your destination.

 To catch a Gremlin take an old floppy disc and place it on a mouse trap.  Then stick this set up under your computer desk. When the trap snaps don’t be surprised if the Gremlin looks like a mouse. Because they do you know. In fact place some cheese on the trap too. Just to show the Gremlins that you’re on to their little disguise.

 Remember gremlins are out there and they want to Vex you so vex them first by cutting back on your level of technology. Gremlins will always search out the highest level of Tech. So if there is a Gremlin around you will be glad that you’re not the guy with the smart phone. If you are the guy with the smart phone I am truly sorry but I told you so.

The Power of Paper

On September 14 I posted a stirring rally to preserve the printed word from the insecurity of the digital ether titled “Save the books.”

 It seems that the United States Postal Service shares my concerns. They have started airing new commercials promoting the security of paper. Check out the new commercial here. or watch below. Sorry the sound is so bad but it is the only one I could find on You Tube.

[Update: I guess the sound on the video is actually good it was my Computer that was off. If you have the same problem that I did try messing with the balance and wave on your speakers until it sounds good.]

It is probably a half-hearted attempt to scare people into throwing some business their way. But I ask you, where would this Country be without our Postal Service?

So in keeping with the anti-technology theme  I challenge every one who reads this to write a snail mail letter to a some one. Make it some one that you don’t see a lot. In your letter mention this blog. What? I’m entitled to a little self promotion. Then ask them to write a letter back. 

Besides getting mail is amazing! Don’t you want to give some one the gift of opening their mail box and finding a surprise? It is so exciting to receive correspondences from non-businesses.

So in addition to saving the books you are now charged with preserving our US Postal Service.

ALL HAIL THE POWER OF PAPER!

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