C. O. Bonham

The following manners apply to anyplace where large groups of people gather to consume food that they packed themselves: be it cafeteria, break room, or public park.

Upon entering a room in which someone is eating an orange, one should never exclaim, “I smell Oranges!” This just serves to show everyone how unobservant and rude you are. This will also result in the Orange eater not offering you any. Instead you should casually glance around until you locate the orange eater and then casually approach them. Begin the conversation thusly, “Why I see that you have chosen to eat an orange today. I can tell that you care about your health very much because oranges are high in vitamin C and are a tasty way to ward off many nasty diseases such as scurvy.” Then go on to explain that you have recently returned from a long sea voyage and that you fear you yourself might be suffering the early stages of Scurvy and that you would be forever grateful if they might share part of their life-preserving fruit.

Always pack a book in your lunch bag. First of all, it is brain food and will make your diet more complete. Secondly, it will help to comfort you after you realize that no one in the lunch room is eager for you to sit with them. If however, you actually want to read your book while you eat do not sit at a table with women. They will talk incessantly though not to you.

If you want to eat without having hate-filled stares shot at you do not sit at the Clique table. The Clique table is the table closest to the doors so that the Clique can judge everyone who comes in to eat. The Clique will be almost entirely women and they will be talking loudly and about things of little importance. If you remembered your book sit as far away as possible. If you forgot it sit one table over and eavesdrop.

The rules for Popcorn are different from that of Oranges. Forget it no one shares Popcorn. You can exclaim that you smell popcorn all you like because the buttery goodness is all mine.

Take your change from the vending machine because no one is going to announce that they found an extra quarter. Like wise don’t feel guilty about pocketing an extra quarter because chances are that the machine is the one that messed up and spit out that extra money in order to make up for all of the times it ate your change. Yea I can live with that story.