History of the Future: Part 3

I bet you thought that I forgot about the third part of my promised three-part blog post about random future events. Well I didn’t forget I just hadn’t gotten to it yet because here it is. Would you believe that this whole post is actually a Sociology paper that I turned in for a college assignment and that I got an A on it? Well I it is and I did.

Now for you enjoyment, The conclusion to a History of the Future:

In the year 2043 people will begin to get rid of their cell phones because they can control so much that losing it is pretty much the end of the world.  Identity theft increases one hundred percent because it is so easy, just steal a cell phone and boom you have access to their car, their house and their bank account.  Why aren’t people protecting this information you ask well the answer is because people are lazy, careless and stupid.  They tried voice recognition but too many people figured out how to over ride that while at the same time the system was so faulty that the phone wouldn’t always listen to its owner.

More emerging technologies that have a darker side to them all have to do with things that go in your body.  First, super contacts that let you look at movies and surf the web while pretending to pay attention in class, were found to cause blindness and had to be scraped.

The micro chips that are supposed to be so great, so no one will ever be given the wrong medication or go missing, will be found to have a weird reaction with some people and will end up giving them a very strange blood disorder (their blood turned green) and the program was suspended until doctors could investigate the implications of this phenomenon.  The program will remain suspended until the antichrist decides to use it as his “mark of the beast.”

As the oceans begin receding in the year 2049, everyone will begin worrying about global cooling and foretelling a new global ice age.  Even though we all know that the first ice age wasn’t really a global ice age, but only a localized one.  One scientist though, will discover that this melting and freezing of the ice caps is all actually part of a cycle that runs through about every ten hundred years or so.

Unfortunately for everyone, a radical terrorist group has acquired a very powerful EMP bomb and has launched it into space, when it reaches the Stratosphere they plan to detonate it thus wiping out every electronic device on the planet.  This will set everyone back for at a period no shorter than ten years.  Living history re-enactors such as pioneer groups and revolutionary war enthusiasts will lead the way in survival during the period of rebuilding that will follow.  At the end of that ten-year period they are still only up to about 1985 standards which is pretty good for only having ten years to rebuild the world.  Of course they weren’t exactly starting from scratch.

The future is not set in stone and this is only one of the many possible futures; the flow of events could be diverted at any point along the path to create a new series of events and then those events may be diverted to create a new series and so on.

Perhaps instead of America and Canada uniting, they stay separate or maybe Mexico will try to be declared officially part of South America rather than North.  And the last part about the EMP bomb will probably not happen because someone like James bond would come along to stop it.  But it’s still all speculation.

There is no way to really know what the future holds, no crystal balls, no horoscope, no fortune tellers, the only way to know what will happen is to just wait for it.

Gremlins: The Techno Woe Begetters

The discerning reader might have noticed a particularly Anti-technology slant to last weeks blog post as well as a related post from some weeks before.

 Well, like I said in the post titled “Save the Books” it’s not really that I don’t like technology; technology just doesn’t like me. Or should I say that the Gremlins don’t like me.

 According to The Element Encyclopedia of Magical Creatures Gremlins are a species of Boggart that was first classified during World War I  when Radio operators and Airplane mechanics noticed unexplained malfunctions.

 The Word Gremlin is derived from the Old English word gremian which means to Vex. (They sure like to Vex me.)

 These little buggers deserted their European homeland and came to America with our returning troops. Ever since they have been infiltrating and breaking down our electronic devices.

 It is no coincidence that the car known as a Gremlin kept breaking down. For some reason the sneaky fairies were attracted to them like flies to honey. Thus the lemon earned the name Gremlin.

 These device destroying creatures are not to be confused with the mutated Mugwi featured in the movie Gremlins that is an entirely different animal.

 No the Techno munching  menace that we face is all to real.

When something on your computer messes up, listen carefully and you can hear them laughing at you through your computers speakers.

 If you are traveling and you find that all of your batteries are dead this is because a Gremlin has stowed away in your luggage and has been sucking the juice from your electronics in order to survive. Keep them away from your car battery by closing all of the air vents in the car and turning off the car’s automatic lights. Also buy Maps instead of relying on GPS. If one of them gets into a GPS you will never reach your destination.

 To catch a Gremlin take an old floppy disc and place it on a mouse trap.  Then stick this set up under your computer desk. When the trap snaps don’t be surprised if the Gremlin looks like a mouse. Because they do you know. In fact place some cheese on the trap too. Just to show the Gremlins that you’re on to their little disguise.

 Remember gremlins are out there and they want to Vex you so vex them first by cutting back on your level of technology. Gremlins will always search out the highest level of Tech. So if there is a Gremlin around you will be glad that you’re not the guy with the smart phone. If you are the guy with the smart phone I am truly sorry but I told you so.